Sunday, October 4, 2009

Aunty Christ is lucky in bed

To be completely up-front about it, this is less of a blog post and more of the kind of long, rambly letter I would write to you if you were my best friend who lives too far away for us to talk every day.

Rich and I met the She-Bear and Rich’s mom and her husband and Rich’s brand-spankin’-new-college-freshman niece at a Chinese restaurant last night. It was fun, and it was also something of a special treat, since I haven’t seen any of them in a very long time. Case in point: Halfway through dinner I noticed the She-Bear (who I haven’t mentioned on this site for a while, so I will point out to you that she is Rich’s gorgeous daughter, who is a brand spankin’ new college sophomore) had gotten her braces off, but I was embarrassed to say anything because (1) it had been so long since I’d last seen her, that it’s quite possible she actually has had them off for eight months or so, and (2) it had been so long since I’d last seen her, that it’s quite possible that she had them off the last time I saw her, and in the intervening time period I completely forgot about that and now it seemed totally new to me, and now I fear that for the rest of my life, every time I see her, I’ll say, “Hey, you got your braces off!” and it will become clear to everyone except myself that I have lost my mind.

Anyway, at the end of the dinner came the obligatory fortune cookies, and one by one we went around the table reading from the slip of paper that fate had bestowed upon us. They were all pretty typical fortune-cookie fortunes: You have a surprise coming, or You are a good person, etc. Except for mine.

Like so, more or less.

And it’s true. I really do.

All of the above was my long-winded way of saying that I am so, so just baffled by life right now.

Over the past few weeks, I entered an essay contest for free entry into a workshop-type networking opportunity thingy, interviewed for an unpaid internship with the ACLU, and took the LSAT. Over the last few days I realized that I only submitted half of what I needed to submit to qualify for the essay contest, so that’s something that I can probably just assume I’ve failed. I’ve been waiting on pins and needles for a response from the ACLU people, but since I was told at the interview that they would make their decision in about a week and a half, and Friday marked the week-and-a-half point, I’m figuring I’m on the Easy Let-Down E-Mail list and not the Congratulatory Phone Call list.

So that leaves the LSAT. And here’s the thing: I was feeling superconfident about the LSAT immediately after I took it. On the practice tests I’ve taken, there’s always one logic game that I just don’t get and have to guess on and invariably get wrong. On the LSAT, though, the logic games were easy. The reading comprehension was easy. The essay was a breeze and a pleasure.

But did I do well enough to apply to any of the law schools I want to go to? I won’t find that out for another two weeks.

And it’s killing me.

Well, and frankly the realization that I had only sent part of what I needed to send in for the essay contest kind of completed this overwhelming feeling that something is definitely wrong here. There’s that: an easy mistake. And this: I arrived five minutes late to the ACLU interview, which is a huge no-no. I didn’t leave myself any time to get lost, or to run into traffic—both of which I did—and when I finally parked, around the block from the office, I walked eight blocks out of my way before realizing that I needed to head back the other way to get where I needed to go. And the LSAT? Which I’m now totally obsessing about and hoping that I did well enough to go to, well, not Yale or Harvard or anything, but somewhere within the continental United States and not in, like, Guam or Honduras or something? I did two practice tests while sitting in various bars in Maui drinking fruity cocktails last winter. And that’s it.

I’m putting all this together in my head:

  1. Wanted to win free entry into stupid workshop, but failed to fill out form correctly and didn’t get it.
  2. Wanted to get internship at ACLU, but failed to show up on time and didn’t get it.
  3. Wanted to do well on LSAT, but failed to study at all for it.

So, I’m sabotaging myself, right? Does it mean that I don’t really want what I think I want? Does it mean that I know I’m going to fail anyway and want to be able to blame my failure on lack of proper preparation rather than lack of actual talent or smarts? So dumb. So, so dumb. If I were anyone other than myself, I’d know what to do with this, I think. As it is, no clue. Not a single clue.

Damn fortune cookie. Tell me something I don’t know.


rich bachelor said...

The quick n' breezy answer that would be given to you by a fatuous windbag here would be, "So don't think like yourself."

Y'know, if one were a fatuous windbag, that is.

Aunty Christ said...

One is not!

But yes, good thinking. From now on I shall always think like Maria Conchita Alonso.

Mark p.s.2 said...

I do the same but with much smaller goals.
In my opinion, the trick to counter the "Murphy" is with logic that can not fail.
This means doing the completely mundane thing of making a paper and pen/pencil checklist of the steps necessary and checking them off one by one when done.

Gianna of beyond meds put a link to a Jung story on discovering ones devil-possesion 2009 October 4.

Aunty Christ said...

That's good advice, Mark. And, I guess, it's not like I haven't heard that before, but I tend to forget it and need reminders that everything's easily broken down into smaller steps, and isn't just a big chunk of insurmountable challenge, you know?

So, thank you for the reminder!

Ah, Gianna! I adore Gianna. She's good stuff.

butterflywings said...

OMG - I could have written this post. I self-sabotage. Being late, not preparing, you name it.
I just wanted to say I know what you mean.

Aunty Christ said...

Hi, Butterflywings, it's always good to hear that you're not alone. Hey, I didn't know you have a blog. I'm surprised I haven't looked at it before, actually. Gonna check it out now.

Aunty Christ said...

BW: I'll post this here instead of turning your blog into a place for my BS, but I wanted to say that you totally picked up on something that I don't think I outright stated in this post (and perhaps didn't even realize until reading what you had to say), but is 100% accurate: That at least part of my problem is a feeling of entitlement. Ugh. It's helpful to be aware of it, but jeez. What does one do about it?

Specifically what I'm talking about is that some of what I'm calling sabotage is perhaps just a feeling that I, you know, deserve (despite all evidence to the contrary) what I want, and thus don't have to work for it?

So much unpacking to do. I'm sorry. But thanks for the insight. That's good.

butterflywings said...

Hi Aunty Christ. Glad you didn't mind my linking - it just really resonated.

(Your blog is awesome btw. Do you mind if I add it to my blogroll?)

Yes - that's *exactly* it. A feeling of 'I deserve stuff I want without working for it'.

(I didn't mean entitlement to sound too harsh, or as if I was necessarily applying it to anyone but myself - but then, it is good to know you got what I meant).

I think it is self-sabotage though. If someone really wants something and believes they deserve it, they will do whatever they can to make sure they get it (or increase their chances of getting it).

Also, life isn't fair, we don't always get the things we want even if we did work hard and had the ability, and people react differently to this. Some (and I know I have done this) conclude we are useless and there is no point trying.

What you said about not trying so that you can blame it on your lack of preparation etc. is very true and I do that too.

But also - there is fear of success. I know I have it, but I would feel 'who am I to have this', and in a lot of ways it's more comfortable to be someone who is something of a failure.

It is hard to unpack, isn't it?

Gosh, this is long. Sorry for the essay!

Salty Miss Jill said...

Fear of success is not that uncommon. That's what I'm hearing.
When will you accept that you're fabulous and brilliant?

Aunty Christ said...

Butterfly: Totally, I would love it if you added me. I'll add you too.

And to clarify, I didn't think you were calling me entitled, but it totally rang true to me. I liked your second post on the subject, too.

Salty: Thank you. Mwah mwah.

butterflywings said...

Cool. Yay linking. And thanks.

Oh I know, but I didn't exactly mean entitled in the sense of privilege...I increasingly think it is the other side of the coin of insecurity.

Oh and yes, you are fabulous and brilliant! Mwah. Mutual admiration is all good!