Sunday, September 20, 2009

Aunty Christ mans up

I found this blog the other day, and laughed and laughed and laughed. It appears to be abandoned now (the most recent post is from April), but by god it gives us wonderful insight into the inner thoughts of a complete fucking moron.

For a basic overview of the blog’s viewpoint, take a look at the “categories” the author of this mess (who calls himself John Bryan Stone and is also the author of a book titled Have a Great Midlife Crisis) has given the two most recent posts:

Abuse, abusive wife, being bossed around, bossy wife, business startup, divorce, domestic violence, man bashing, marital abuse, marriage, married sex, men’s issues, midlife crisis, money, recession, sex life, spousal abuse, why men cheat, wimp, wives dominating husbands, women hating men

Affair, financial recovery plan, revenge, abusive wife, beautiful girls, being bossed around, business startup, divorce, extra income, finance, girls, husband abuse, man bashing, marital abuse, maritial abuse, marriage, married sex, men’s issues, midlife crisis, money, older men with younger women, relationships, secret lovers, sex, sex life, why men cheat, wives dominating husbands, young women

So, apparently, women come in two flavors: Old Bitch and Young Girlfriend. Neither one has a purpose outside of either beating down JBS’s fragile psyche or building it back up again through the use of her fresh pussy. This title of a post from January is similarly revealing: “The New You Must Get Rid of the Old Her.” At first I had hopes that what JBS was actually saying was something like, “Hey guys. I know not every marriage is completely rotten. Some women are nice to the men they marry. Some relationships provide a nurturing place where both partners can find what they need. This blog is not addressed to men in those kinds of relationships, but to men in relationships that make them completely unhappy, which sap them of the will to live, where they feel awful about themselves all the time, and presumably their wives aren’t feeling so hot about themselves either. These men need help (from me, JBS, or perhaps a paid professional).”

But no. JBS also promotes non-monogamy for men who love their wives. Why? Oh, I dunno. Why not? He actually doesn’t give a reason, but only says: “Some men find it perfectly acceptable to love their mates and have extra women on the side. Still others do some experimenting, only to discover it was not what they expected, and they go back to their previous arrangement.” I mean, why not, eh guys?

The thing I find repellent here isn’t the promotion of non-monogamous behavior (although his strict avoidance of the words “use a condom” is a bit odd), but the assumption that all men are the same. I guess if monogamous marriage is a construct created by women to control men, it necessarily must be selfish. But I don’t know. Is it always? Don’t some men get something out of it? I can only speak for myself (a woman—and I realize that I can hardly disprove JBS’s point this way), but I feel like having secret affairs with several women in order to boost one’s self-esteem because society has decided it has no use for 40-year-old men, would be (1) stressful and (2) pathetic in a way that is unlikely to lead to healthy long-term self-esteem boosting. As to (1)—(2) being so obvious as to not need explanation, I think—I was, in my younger years, a cheat, and I have to say that it led to no end of guilt (which, not everyone is wired like me, so I concede that not every cheat will have that result) and confusion. Like: “What the fuck is this one’s name?” “Did I tell this story already to this one?” Plus: Double the games, double the mind-fucking, double the personal neuroses. I don’t know. Maybe I’m just saying that multiple partners at the same time is not for me—and I’m sure the male population thanks god for this daily—and I imagine that some guy out there somewhere has thought this through and come to the same conclusion.

In other words, JBS’s assertion that everyone must do that which makes him smile has flaws.

But let’s look at some of his other words, shall we? There’s no doubt lots of other great advice he’s giving middle-aged men. I mean, he wrote a book, didn’t he?

Quote 1:

Even if you can’t stand the repulsive old thing, you have to fuck your wife according to the law. Many states will classify lack of sex as "abandonment."

Yikes! So there she is bitching at you with her saggy tits flopping while she slogs around the house in her old ratty robe, and if you don’t fuck her, the judge will punish you in divorce court!

Isn’t that state-sponsored rape? The state is raping you–forcing you to have sex with the skank your wife has become.

I wonder if you could use the Worn Out Pussy plea?

That, to be fair, was JBS at his most rage-filled. The Worn-out Pussy Plea (how charming!) has really only been tested in 14 states, so it may not work for everyone. But really—state-sponsored rape? He’s joking, right? Let’s see—you could either divorce your wife (who may or may not be sick of pleasuring your also-aging body) or have sex with her. Or come up with some other solution that you both find suitable. Yes: That is the exact definition of “rape” and it doesn’t cheapen the term at all to use it in this way.

Quote 2:

It is time to be a man.

Stop embarrassing yourself by obeying your mate. Stop asking for permission and approval. Stop being a boy.

Announce today to your mate that you’ll be a partner but not a servant. Tell her you will expect her to be responsible for the emotional atmosphere around you–she no longer has permission to whine and bitch without regard for how it affects you.

Announce to your boss that you are going to be making him some money, and you want him to keep his eye on you.

Go to the Small Business Administration and learn how to start that business you’ve been putting off.

Get the girl, make the money, achieve the dreams. Be bad. Be good. Roar.

If the last quote was JBS at his angriest, this quote is pretty representative of the general tone of his blog. Some of it is fine: “You’ll be a partner but not a servant.” Some of it is less fine: “Stop … obeying your mate.” Some of it makes me laugh: “Announce to your boss that you are going to be making him some money, and you want him to keep his eye on you.” (Because you’re a character from Mad Men, I guess?)

Oh, I don’t know. I mean, it’s fine that he’s telling guys to go out there and do something cool with their lives (that is what he’s telling them, right?), but there’s just this undercurrent of awfulness to everything he writes. “Be bad. Be good. Roar.” And this: You, dear sir, will not be “obeying” your mate, but she needs your permission to whine and bitch—or, you know, express herself? Nice.

Quote 3:

It’s time to be a bad boy. It’s time to pick out that one person who did not deserve your forgiveness and go after them. Make a plan to bring them down.

Here are some nasty things you can do that will make them sorry they messed with you:

1. Turn them in to the IRS for tax cheating;

2. Send a letter to their boss thanking the company for all the free stuff/services you’ve been getting through this person;

3. If they own a business, go to their waiting room and leave porn magazines in the reading bins;

4. Start emailing them anonymously as a member of the opposite sex and lure them into embarrassing/incriminating email conversations. Forward those emails to their coworkers, boss and friends. (Careful, your internet provider may give you up. Find out how to hide your identity–it’s in my book.)

5. Key their car.

6. Confront them at a party, at their office or in some other place that would embarrass and hurt them. Name their deeds. Most people will believe “where there’s smoke, there’s fire” and lend some credence to what you are saying.

7. Accuse them of having child porn on their computer.

8. Tell their friends you got a sexually transmitted disease from this person.

9. Go to their church and ask THEM if THEY have asked for forgiveness! Do this in front of the congregation.

10. Announce that you are no longer a doormat, and they had better make it up to you now or else.

Don’t endanger yourself physically or legally. Take time to exact your revenge. Make a good plan and think it through.

When you are done with this person, move on to the next one.

This is my fucking favorite thing ever. I love this. Key a car. Spread slander about other people and ruin a life. Whatever you do, though, don’t be anything but passive-aggressive. Don’t tell people what this person actually did to you—and for god’s sake do not actually confront this person. And—I cannot stress this enough—do not allow yourself to get over what this person did to you. Let it ruin your life, just like you’re gonna ruin his Chevy’s paint job. Goddammit. You deserve that.

Oh, there’s more. Lots more.

“Our society gets nervous when men show their testosterone. Especially men over thirty. Somehow, people get the idea you’re going to lose control, go crazy.”

Really? Really? I kind of thought society loves it when men show their testosterone. Oh—well I guess his explanation makes more sense. It explains why professional football players aren’t paid a living wage, and why liberal Hollywood never, ever makes movies about Big, Tough Guys. (Especially when they’re over 30! Sly Stallone basically dropped off the map after he turned 29, etc.) So, you got me there, JBS. I will admit defeat on that one.

On the rest of it, though? He’s a big colostomy bag. In a post titled “People Are Getting Mad About This!” he writes, “All I said was men need to stand up and live the lives they deserve. I had no idea how many people would be against that! Apparently, there are a lot of women, and some men who are well-trained, who think men should be ruled, controlled and kept down.” In fact, whenever someone disagrees with him he seems to trot that one out: “Alls I ever said was that women shouldn’t abuse their husbands! Why are you attacking me?” Which, if that was all he was saying, I doubt anyone would have a problem with it. (Although, having met people, I will say there’s always a couple fringers on any position. It’s not impossible that someone would comment, “Hey! I NEED to beat my husband, and believe me, he ENJOYS it!”) But that’s not all he’s saying, and he knows it. He’s also saying (my words), “I don’t feel like a big, strong man, and I need to blame someone for that. I resent my wife for getting old, so she seems like a good place to start with this blaming. I also never really have been on board with the idea that women are actual people, so I am going to try to date as many young women with low self-esteem as will accept me, in the hopes that that will somehow prop up my manhood. In addition, I am a whiny little baby who still harbors a deep rage towards anyone who has failed to recognize me as the wonderful man I want to become, and I will key their cars in revenge, just like a jilted lover in some teen stalker movie.”

Forget the great midlife crisis, dude. I’ve got a plan for a pretty good life.

1. Don’t be a rotten person.

2. Don’t become involved with rotten people.

3. If you find that you are involved in a relationship with a rotten person, get out of it.

4. Repeat as necessary.

See? That wasn’t that hard. Now, pay me $19.48 and shape up, ya’ rotten, rotten piece of shit.


Snooze said...

Brilliant AC. And given that you have done so much work with rape crisis, you've seen real abuse. I loved your last sentence. I haven't been able to bring myself to read his blog, but I do see some merit to non-monogamy - but that doesn't mean cheating, and also, it should be for women too.

Aunty Christ said...

Thanks, Snooze. There was so much to take offense to about this blog, so I didn't really explain this well, but the thing about the non-monogamy that was really distasteful to me was that he advocated complete lack of disclosure. Once again, the passive-aggressive route seems to be his preferred mode of operation; so, instead of telling your partner honestly that you want an open relationship, he's telling men to sneak around--presumably so their bitch-hag wives won't divorce them and take their money.

His position seems to be: Be a man! Be sneaky and dishonest and underhanded with everyone you encounter! Hilarious.

Eve said...

My favorite quote from this guy:

"Seeing who you can be will help.
You can be a money-making, love-making, risk-taking winner. Just do what the Man You Were Meant to Be tells you to do."

How helpful! The reader doesn't even have to imagine who he can be; the blogger already knows! Money-making, Love-Making, Risk-Taking WINNER!!!!

Good lord in heaven.

Aunty Christ said...

"You can be a money-making, love-making, risk-taking, unimaginative, lemminglike, brain-dead follower/winner"--JBS.

I love it.

Salty Miss Jill said...

Well, I think you just about covered that more eloquently than I could have. I was just going to call him a whiny douchebag misogynist and be done with it.
Thank gods for you and your words, Aunty!

Aunty Christ said...

Salty: Yeah, that would have saved everyone a lot of time and been accurate as hell also.