Aunty Christ gives as good as she gets

The Yahoo! homepage typically offers no end of amusing links to American Idol video recaps, grilling recipes, and bad relationship advice, and yesterday’s link was no exception. Just in case you have a busy day planned and need to get on with it, I’ll do away with the suspense and just let you know that the 10 compliments that your man might like to hear are:

1. “Your arms are definitely looking bigger.”

2. “Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.”

3. “Wow.”

4. “You the man.”

5. “The kids just adore you.”

6. “What do you think?”

7. “Cute feet.”

8. “Meow.”

9. “Impressive.”

10. “I want you.”

Of course, coming out of my—or perhaps any sensible woman’s—mouth, these sound highly sarcastic. I tried them out on Rich Bachelor last night and he wasn’t having any of it. “What kids?” he said. “And since when do you care what I think?” “Cute feet?” I tried. He said, “Woman! What the devil’s gotten into you? I’m outta here,” and then stormed out, not to return until many hours later, smelling of liquor and hotcakes. “Impressive,” I whispered. “I want you!”

So, that didn’t work out as well as one might have hoped. Even better than the compliments themselves are the expanded reasons given behind the compliment:

“Guys spend all of high school, the better part of the work day, and at least 12 times a day via e-mail trying to make people laugh,” writes the editor-in-chief of Men’s Health. The editor-in-chief! What’s Men’s Health again? A magazine, or a special-needs project?

Oh, so anyway, it seems the editor-in-chief is trying to tell us that the funny is gender-specific, for some reason. Well, of course it is! I don’t have time to be funny, what with all the cooking and cleaning and pussy-waxing I have to do.

About “You the man,” he says, “Guys hear this all the time. From other guys.” Oh wait: I guess this late edit didn’t make it to press: “From other guys in beer commercials and cop-buddy films.”

The reasoning given for the “Cute feet” compliment is too good to edit down: “Typically, it doesn't matter much to men if women like a part of their body that they don't control, like their eyes, jawline, or body hair. And typically, guys care for the word ‘cute’ about as much as Paris cares for the penal system. One exception: The part of the body that is classified as being especially gross. Tell a guy he has good feet, and somehow he takes it as a double-bagger compliment -- that you not only like his genetics, but also that you appreciate he can keep himself better groomed than the rest of the gnarly-nailed heathens out there.”

First of all, having seen photos of Paris with a mouthful of penal system, I have to think she likes that particular phenomenon quite a substantial amount. Moreover: Really? “Good feet” is a “double-bagger” compliment? And since when is “double-bagger” a term that’s in any sense a good thing? Oh, it makes no sense at all. It makes the mind hurt.

Even better still than the reasons behind the compliments are the user comments on the post:

Ncnurfoust writes (edited for length; not at all edited for spelling, grammar):

oh my, I could not beleive what I was reading. All of these compliments have in one way or another had an effect on my marriage. About 2 years ago I was sleeping. My husband came to bed late and proceeded to talk to me. I was dreaming..not really sure about what. I told him i my sleep state, "you know your arms are not really big at all." Oh my was I awake after that. To this day he has not let me forget that. He has a great sense of humor and most everyone likes him. He is an ego driven, testosterone high "real man." He is MY HERO. … He never admits fear, always denies defeat, and is always right. However, his goal every day is to make someone if not everyone smile. He can find the most unappealing women and make her feel like a million. I love this about him. … I hear him lighten up when I belly laugh at his latest storfy. … I have a good idea that I know will rock his boat, I make it his idea and it fyies well. When I doubt is advise and find he was indeed right, I make a big deal out of it. " … It is true but no matter issue, men need and desire our praises and gradafications. they don't know how to ask for it like we do. Thank you David for more help getting into the psychology of "My Man." Val

Surely I’m not the only one who suspects that Val’s Man is a bit of an asshole, right? Never admits fear, always denies defeat, ego-driven, testosterone-high, more interested in the size of his arms than whether or not he wakes his sleeping wife up. Oh, whatever, Val. I’m sure you’re totally happy, what with your judgmental optimism and his dickishness.

Peter Shaughnessy writes:

Why is there no hint that men might like to be commented on their intellect, personality, or achievements in fantasy sports?

And some bright shining star gives him his answer:

here's your answer; because that's not for men, that's for geeks. Real men play real sports.

Zing! That’s right, Peter Shaughnessy. Your kind don’t deserve no complimentin‘, ya hear? This is Bush’s America now, professor smartypants!

I kind of have a little crush on deirdre.nakita now, after reading her words of wisdom on the gender wars:

One more something could have helped, The way you look at him. Keep on a little smile, because some guys can't navagate the mood with out some sort of feed back from your face. My guy for example has a tendency to react to my ever facal expression. This is hard ladies. I mean its like guys dont have their own way of thinking. All they want to do is please us. So ladies we hold the power while our compassionate hearts let our guys believe they hold it. Another, men like women who have great self confidience. So you could say something about your own body,(softly.). like “I love my sexy body, I could make love to myself all night long if you had to go out. Beleive me it works. Guys need just as much as girls but they have to hide it. Ladies we all should be confidient of our sexuality for we are all beautyful people and if your guy is with you all he wants is to be loved. We sometimes get caught up in worldly bull that we forget or dont know that men just need to feel good about themselves. If we take them to another world mentally I think they wouldn't cheat on us and they would treat us the same. So stop complaining or hasseling men ,try instead to show them love. You know the love that only us women can give threw our own wants and needs. The perfect relationship is possible threw all this lifes mess. We only live once so love, and let go of unnessacary hasseling. It can be true .

All men want to do is not think and please … me? This is awesome!!!! Us women should totally give that love threw our own wants and needs threw all this lifes mess, whatever that means. Thanks, diedre.nakita! Thanks for everything!

What’s that, diedre.nakita? You have something else to say?

Some guys need to have that hard to get type, but once they've got you you need a mixture of both You can playfully joke with them with a smile. But there are times when the hard to get role gets annoying and you should switch it up. Mess around alittle with his head, but always let him beleive what you say. If you know you love him you should give him complamantes even if he doesn't deserve them.

Yes, yes, that sounds like just the thing. I’m totally going to only date guys who are totally without worth, but then I’ll mess around alittle with his head with complamantes he doesn’t deserve. Wise advice, my friend. I’ve been doing this relationship thing all wrong! When Rich gets over his hungover anger about last night, I’m totally going to switch it up and playfully joke with him with a smile. Maybe I could even take him to another world mentally! That sounds great!

So that wraps up this edition of “Making Fun of Stupid Ideas with Aunty Christ.” Next up, for those who are keeping track of such things, our agenda for the next few weeks:

Visiting friends—and babies—in Remote Mountain Village, Colorado, through the Fourth of July. Rich Bachelor and I will enjoy such family-oriented activities as hiking, soaking in hot springs, hanging out, pretending to look at babies, and pancake-eating!

Second interview with a Big-Name Company, which for some reason, despite my many flaws (alcoholism, insanity, man face), seems to like me. Or perhaps they are simply messing around alittle with my head, letting me beleive what they say. I am so in love with this company, and not just because they want to pay me an unreasonable amount of money. Well, maybe it’s mostly that. But I must say that Big-Name Company’s arms sure look big, lately. Has it been working out?

Moving into the house, which henceforth on my blog shall be called the Dawg House. Or maybe that’s best left in my mind. It’s clearly not a clever name, but then, this is not a very clever blog. Would it be better in half-German? Der Dawg Haus? Anyway, the move is forthcoming, and then the settling in, and then the slow slide into boring communal-living hell. Or not. Oh, not to be all stupid and sentimental here, but I’m truly happy with Rich. Sometimes things feel wrong, and you don’t really have anything to compare them to because nothing’s ever felt right either, so you think, “Well, maybe this will work. This could work.” And of course it doesn’t, no matter how much you try to force it and overlook the fact that this isn’t the right person, this isn’t a good match. Well, Rich is a good person, anyway, and this living together project does not seem wrong.

I fell asleep last night in his lap, and woke up around midnight to him saying, “You’ve been sleeping in the most uncomfortable positions. Let’s go to bed.” You know what? It was the most comfortable sleep I’ve had in ages.