Thursday, June 28, 2007

Aunty Christ is interviewed by Mr. Middlebrow

1. Aunty Christ is a __________, wrapped in a ________, inside a ___________.

Aunty Christ is a delusional battleaxe, wrapped in a leopard-skin blanket, inside a thick candy coating of undisguised bitterness and tragic despair.

Oh, my goodness! My apologies. That photo is actually not of me, but my friend, who goes under the name Camilla-Jane, when she’s not working as a singer/songwriter/model/entertainer. Good luck to you in your new career, Camilla-Jane! Rock on.

2. What's your pitch for the next big reality show?

Argh—so many ideas, and, frankly, what hasn’t been aired as a reality show already?

Two thug dawgs, raised as brothers, learn to live—and love—in a South Boston law firm.

Or perhaps …

Baby makeovers!!!

Or …

Tube-topped grannies bouncing on trampolines!

In any case, isn’t reality TV pretty much over? I’m hoping for a new scripted show I can get behind, á là Deadwood or Heroes or Perfect Strangers, in the next season. Speaking of which, I keep meaning to write a blog post about the top 10 overrated shows ever, including Dharma and Greg, Wings, Becker, Sisters, and Picket Fences.

Of course, my favorite new reality series is online. Oh crap, I do not really want to enter into any kind of internet-based catfight, but I shall say that, if one has read the funny blog I just linked to and one has read the blog that that funny blog is parodying, perhaps one will find oneself with hours of entertainment on hand. However, if one has not read either blog, perhaps one will be confused and befuddled by this paragraph. Enough said.

3. Who should play you in the movie?

Talk about a no-brainer. The answer, of course, is Charlotte Rae. She would also sing the theme song.

Number two on the list: Tiny Tim Blake Nelson. I met him once. That makes me famous, right?

4. What is it about your navel that drives Indian men into a Google-mad frenzy?

Finally! A serious question.

It’s true that by Western standards my navel leaves something to be desired.

However, in India it is revered as the 431st incarnation of Apam Napat, who, insofar as I am able to understand, is a god of the Hindoo religion, whatever that is.

Anyway, far more troubling is India’s obsession with raping my blouse. Honestly, it’s a lovely blouse, and it’s very flattering to a lady of my size, but enough is enough.

5. If you could live in another time in history, what would it be? What would you do?

The problem of course with this question is that the people who say things like, “It would be so cool to live in the 1960s, with all the flower children and love-ins and bell bottoms!” and those who say, “I really feel that I should have been born in the Middle Ages, with the courtly love and chivalry and so forth,” are idiots, who forget things like the draft and Peter, Paul and Mary and the plague.

If I could live in another time in history, it would be the future, baby! And I would go up to people, cigarette in hand, and say, “Hey, I’ve got a message for you. I was sent here from the past.” And then I would tell them that by quitting smoking, they destroyed the planet, because when all the tobacco companies went under and all the tobacco plants were destroyed the planet suffered a shortage of O2-producing … stuff. So then, once I’ve convinced all the morons from the future that they should start smoking, I will go back to the past (now) and buy some Philip Morris stock, and never trouble myself about retirement again.

The rules of this meme compel me to ask if anyone reading it would like me to ask them five questions. However, keeping in mind that I am very lazy, let’s just say that perhaps no one should want me to ask them such questions, yes? And let’s also say that this meme has run its course.

RIP, fair meme. When we think back on all the joy you have given us, we shall be forced to wipe a tear from our giant-ass collective eye, and smile.


Junk Thief said...

So you and Camilla-Jane aren't the same person? Hmm, just when I thought I had it all figured out. Would the movie about your life be a musical or a mystery? Or both?

Aunty Christ said...

Well, Camilla-Jane and I are both totally hot, as you can tell from our photos, and we're both someone's tall white female cousin, but the similarities end there. While she enjoys singing and modeling and (I am unclear what this entails) "entertaining," I am more of a behind-the-scenes type. I do not like so much of the attention. She also is a better farmhand and day laborer than I am, I hear. I drink far too much to be of any use to anyone in that way.

As for the movie of my life: Think "Mame" meets "Titus" meets "Full Metal Jacket." Something for everyone.

Bryce Digdug said...

Wait, Thomas Haden Church is pretty butch.

Aunty Christ said...

I know, right? I feel compelled to say that she's an actual woman ... talk about a bad case of the man-face, poor thing.

It's true that transvestites nearly always make more glamorous women than actual females do, and yet almost never does a female who has chosen to imitate a drag queen look nice at all.

Mr. Middlebrow said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Mr. Middlebrow said...

At first, I thought you said Charlotte Rampling. Then I read more carefully and realized my mistake. Rampling, of the better Charlottes. Honestly, either works. As does Tim Blake Nelson. They're kind of the Deniro/Hoffman/Duvall of our time, constantly being mistaken for each other.

Oh, and thanks for having the courage to do what I could not: take this mangy, three-legged varmit of a meme out behind the barn and send it on to its maker. It's really for the best.