Thursday, December 21, 2006

Aunty Christ and the good breakup

I forget whether we’ve discussed this or not, but there is a right way and a wrong way to break up with someone—agreed? Even in the case where, as too often is the case in my own life, no relationship has been established except, perhaps, in someone’s mind. When I first arrived in this unnamed municipality, I went out on a few dates with Some Dude. We went to a bar for a drink and some appetizers. We went to a movie. We went to a pub and listened to music. I wasn’t feeling it, and I told him so—one clear mistake was also telling him that we could be friends.

Yesterday, several weeks later, I found myself the recipient of the angry telephone call. Oh that! you say. Everyone knows the angry telephone call, and nobody enjoys it, but when you’re the dumper, it’s just something you have to listen to and absorb—let the poor dumpéd get whatever’s bothering him off his mind. We’ve all been there, after all. God knows I have, many many times.

The thing is, of course, in this case, that we went out three times, and didn’t have sex, and have hung out “as friends” maybe a couple additional times, and I told him it was over rather uncruelly, and now is a long time from then. And of course I’m willing to accept insults from those I’ve made feel bad about themselves. Of course I am. But it’s starting to seem less like something I should have to do, you know? When the period of martyrdom outlasts the period that you were supposedly dating by a multiple of—what, now? 10?

Him: You hold all the cards. You get to decide whether you want to see me or not.

Well, yes. I’ve often found it unfair that we can’t go around kidnapping people and forcing them to spend a pleasant afternoon with us whenever wed like. Excellent point.

Him: I never felt like you appreciated me.

It’s true that I typically hand out the sonnets I’ve written extolling the virtues of mah man on the third date, but in your case, I already knew it wasn’t working, and I spent my time instead composing that fine email telling you that although you’re a very nice person, etc.

Him: You’re so flakey.

Which I’ve certainly been accused of before, by people much more qualified to know. However, as I did point out to This Dude, now that he’s started cataloging all my flaws, he should be well on the Road to Leaving Me the Fuck Alone. What’s that you say? I’m illogical and mean? Should be easy to stop picking up the phone and dialing my infernal number, in that case.

Him: I just feel like you’re manipulating me. What else can I do? How else can I act? You say you want to be friends, but I just feel like you never gave me a chance.

Oh wow. When he puts it like that, clearly I am manipulating him. I did not give him a chance. But as it turns out, I don’t want to be friends.

The ultimate outcome of the above being that we will no longer be including among our hobbies Trying to Be Friends with Crazies. (Or at least not crazies who are no fun.)

Back to our lede, up there in the first paragraph, this all could have been avoided had I not broken up with the man in a completely inappropriate manner: Explaining to him in a thought-out, rational way that this wasn’t for me, giving a few examples to back up said idea. When will I learn? Clearly the only proper way to break up with someone is by feigning head injury (medical), saying that you’ve been called out of the country by the Agency for an unknown period of time (geographical), or explaining that you’ve finally accepted your inner pedophile, and your niece’s school is looking for a teacher’s aide (lifestyle change). I shan’t be making that mistake again.

In a possibly related subject, lately I feel as though I make at least three large, irreparable mistakes per day. Don’t know why. It’s enough to make a 96-year-old lady cry out in frustration: Life is so … stupid.


Anonymous said...

Are you trying to tell me something?

Are we on for the thing tonight? You know, robbing the bank, detonating that improvised explosive device I've been working so hard on all this time, and then eating placenta pie?

Aunty Christ said...

I'm sorry, but I've been suddenly called out on an assignment. I should be back in eight to ten months though ... if I make it back alive, I mean.

Anonymous said...

Angry phone call it is.

unbonhomme said...

lol. damn. funny shite.

So, I need to break up with designer girl....wonder if I can get called out of the country suddenly?

Aunty Christ said...

That would be my recommendation, UBH, yes. Establishing a pattern of clinical insanity wouldn't work in your timeframe, and then, some girls actually like to try to help, or "fix" their boyfriends. Now that I think of it, feigning mental illness is only good if you're a woman. Good lord, I've gotten dumped because I caught a cold. Men just don't like dealing with stuff.

And if you claim to be attracted to children, she'll call the cops on your ass. So, not that.

The main thing is that she realizes that she's made a huge mistake by dating you at all--that way there's no hurt feelings. If you had a longer timeframe, you could start dropping hints that all your past "girlfriends" have been, you know, girls that you've stalked obsessively, and you've never had more than two dates with the same woman, and you have multiple restraining orders against you ... Eg.: She suggests meeting at a bar you've never been to. You: "Is that the one on Fullerton? Because I'm not really allowed to go within 100 feet of that area anymore. It's complicated." Or, she suggests that you come out for drinks with her friends. "This is gonna sound paranoid, but they're not psychiatrists are they? Because the last girl I dated--the one I went on three dates with? who I thought I was going to marry?--invited me to meet some of her friends, and it turns out they were psychoanalyzing me the whole time! It was so unfair! That bitch! Well, anyway, after that she stopped returning my emails, but I'll show her...."

That kind of thing.

Anonymous said...

if you went on three dates I thought that counted as a common law marriage.

Snooze said...

I think the dumpee owes it to the dumper to just suck it up, get over the hurt feelings, and be gracious if the dumper has even tried to be kind in a break up. We've all been there, on both sides. This guy needs to get a clue.