Sunday, May 24, 2009

Aunty Christ had some time on her hands

For some unknown reason, the auntychrist at gmail dot com spam box fills up with the most interesting shit, while the less celebrated yahoo spam box mostly contains emails like, “Get a better home loan”—from—“Your personal banker.” Yawn. Why do deposed Nigerian royals prefer the gmail? You got me. But good lord, look at these names:

Philmon Hillesheim
Morvey Egerton
Mrs. Kate Hood
Omland Camps
Squines Cuccaro
Rattray Sheline
Magaddino Winkenwerden
Chisolm Rainwater
Ladell Hilz
Shock Buehler
Gronosky Gonzaga
Schwartzbach
Rau Ranni

It’s like things that had only recently heard of the concept of human language decided to take names to fit in with the rest of us. Shock Buehler is a morning drivetime deejay, of course. Morvey Egerton insists on appearing in his own television ads for his family’s jewelry store, while Rattray Sheline spends her Sunday mornings cutting out coupons that she never uses. Chisolm Rainwater has never been more than 30 miles from the Oklahoma farmhouse where he was born. Omland Camps is a fixture at Valois cafeteria. Rau Ranni likes to tell people she makes her own clothes, but she just sews rickrack on the hems of the skirts she buys at Goodwill.

Like a lot of people, I spent most of the '70s and ‘80s watching television. Like so:

I only sorta remember this commercial, actually, but I like it so damn much.



Whereas this one actually has haunted me my entire adult life. Thanks, television.



I remember this commercial, and I remember these damn dolls. My best friend had one. They were all right, I guess, but I don’t know, ad guys. What the fuck?



Oh, and a classic. I was trying to explain this one to Rich while we were in Chicago last year. These used to be on all the time.



Here we have the Battle of the Carpet Companies. I guess Empire won out, since their ads are on TV even now, even in Saskatoon. You used to get a free tee-shirt with your carpeting, I guess, which makes perfect sense when you think about it.



But Lincoln was always my favorite. Try to get that jingle out of your damn head, if you dare.



Trip down memory lane completed. Oh, television, thanks for everything.

Edited to add:

I don't know how I forgot about this one. It's truly the most awful commercial ever. But oh my god. Totally awesome.

3 comments:

Salty Miss Jill said...

Don't tell me that you spammed my email!
Did we have the interaction about the depressing Mormon commericals yet?
xoxoSMJ

Aunty Christ said...

The depressing Mormon commercials. Rich and I were just talking about those!

David Rochester said...

Wow, the commercials were downright scary. I mean really.

I always look forward to spam just for the names and the odd poetry sometimes found in the subject lines. Chisolm Rainwater is classic, though in addition to your projected description, I can also see him as a melancholy half-breed, working at one of the casinos and trying to rediscover his heritage on the weekends.